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genius loves misery....
...written on 2007-05-08, @ 9:24 p.m.
I had to take a break...
Well, not really - it was just that my body was telling me - OMG!?!?YOU'RETHISCLOSE!?
I think I'm finishing with 4 A's instead of 3...
I could have graduated with Honors you know?
But what's the point of doing that? Besides, I was already declared a genius by the time I was 5.
Apparently, some government agency came by the house and wanted to whisk me away to their institutions ... for life.
I'm not sure how I would have turned out had my parents not loved me enough.
(Or more like had my mother not protested enough...I'm not sure what my father would have thought... I wouldn't know becase we just don't talk.)
I had the sudden urge to jump up and down wildly on my bed just a few moments ago because.. ???... because there is this mixture of fear, excitement, paralysis, confusion, elation ... I don't know what the fuck else.
Its getting to be about that time of year. It's been two years since I've visited Bangkok...took my usual bi-annual solo voyage... I won't be going on one this summer.
The last time I went back, I thought I was falling in love... (again)... but now that I'm in love... i'm not sure what all of that really was about?
Infidelities aside, I'm not sure how m.c. handles it whenever we run into random 'hookups' of mine.
Maybe this is what they mean by living your life with no regrets. I unfortunately had no regrets until now.
Until now.
Looking back, the two years that I've been with m.c. I haven't been writing as much.... this makes me both sad and frustrated ... maybe those lessons were true after all...
Or maybe it's true that the bad girls don't have time to keep diaries?
Either way.
I'm in a state of limine.. almost tasting the "real life" - weighing my options about furthur academic fields, and yet I'm somewhat numbed by this whole job application process.
What do you do when you know that you're over qualified... and that sometimes things are rather beneath you?
You don't. Because I've been in that position before... if it's gonna have to be McDonald's then McDonald's it is! I have no shame... NO SHAME!
Haha! Funny how things turn out.
Everybody tells me they're proud... but I'm not feeling that way at all...sure it took me longer, and I did it without any help, in my usual stubborn manner... but I'm done with it!
(And for the rest of my life, if I don't want to do a damn thing ... I already know that I am provided for.)
Horrible idn't it?
I've thought about it ... taking my mom up on her offer to support me while I travel and go back to being "Jackie" around Europe...
but I'm older... more mature... and I guess just more in touch with my principles now.
I got a little lost along the way, I'm not going to lie...when I was in Bangkok, encouraged to cheat and lie and stomp on other people's heads ... wait what am I talking about? I still do that! Nevermind!
Anyway, I digress...
I got an A on my last exam. So yes, I hope this means I'm back ... of course it's always been true - there really is a fine line between genius and insanity.