you & me

commie phob
...written on 2003-05-09, @ 1:53 a.m.

"hey pretty / don't you wanna take a ride with me / through my world ? / hey pretty / don't you wanna kick and slide. . . through my world?"

Poe's "Hey Pretty"

Upon making "arrangements" . . . to become "not so single" . . . I had an extensive talk with Crushboy.

This involved babbling on and on - talking about things besides the point . . . in this case, feelings . . . uhm, in general . . . towards each other . . . and doubts.

Doubts mostly about our own selves and our murky pasts.

Crushboy : You know how men have an upgrade mentality? Where they keep trying to upgrade when something better comes along?

Me: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I have that syndrome too - I call it the BBFM syndrome.

Crushboy: (silence)

Me: Yeah, it stands for Bigger Better Faster More . . . so now what?

Crushboy : Well, now I think it's not such a good idea.

Hmm. Talk about having skeletons in your closet. . .

(*wow, i'm pretty tipsy right now*)

and of course, it sounds so thoroughly mature and all grown up when I repeated those words my ex once said to me, "Past experiences do not predict the future, Jackie . . . "

to say it to another person is one thing . . . but getting yourself to belive it is another. I'm not going to deny the fact that I have issues about "commiting" type relationships. When you have no one to look up to, no idols or role models to seek help from. . . it's very hard to grow up on your own.

But its been done before.

My grandfather (on my father's side). . . has been having an affair for almost fourty years. I never saw my grandmother (on my father's side) . . . she died before I was born.

So I've heard that it was because of my grandfather's affair . . . that killed her.

My father . . . has had numerous countless affairs. I first found out about it when I picked up the reciever to the telephone, and a strange lady's voice asked to speak to her husband . . .

who the fuck is my mother then?

What hurt the most is that he believed her . . . took her side, and called me a liar. Said that I was making up stories and lying to hurt my mother intentionally. I still can not get over this.

I have a beach house, and so do my uncles - again from my father's side . . . the beach houses are located in this quaint little private gated neighborhood . . . the first wives all live at the beach house community.

The mistresses are put up in the condo-high rise that is located about 300 feet to the left of the community. I witnessed my uncles running back and forth between two houses. Two (and sometimes more) women.

My grandfather, on my mother's side - drove my grandmother (mother's mother) to withdraw from society and become a Buddhist priestess. He also had an affair that has lasted over the years. . . .

Both of my real grandmothers have passed away.

And so, I don't belive in marriage, because - what's the use if you're going to cheat anyway? It's not the label you give to a person . . . its the time, commitment, and willing effort to work around problems that arise so that you maintain that relationship, that "feel-good" feeling you get when you are with that person.

It doesn't matter if you label them as your boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/significant other/ wife / husband / ball and chain (haha.) . . . .

And so when a mutual friend asked - so are you two "boyfriend/girlfriend"? I cringed at the thought, and I just had to say . . . "We are what we are . . . "

I don't like labels. Almost like trying to debate whether Buddhism is a philosophy or a religion, rather pointless I say.

***I like to come here to confide in my deeper thoughts. Seperate journals for seperate moods. No, I don't have a multiple personality disorder just yet . . . more like a multiple diary disorder. Yeah.***

The reason why I left is because I felt this space was becoming too personal . . . too revealing for me to bear. I've tried to stick with "fluff and stuff" over at moschikat but I end up running back here to my cyber sanctuary.

just you & me