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This was the original outlet and tiny creative space. Now it’s only for the few select people who know about this place…
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emotionally ironically
...written on 2003-07-17, @ 4:29 a.m.
i worry about you and wonder if you're okay
i worry about her, cuz' she's so fragile in so many ways . . .
i worry about you - cuz' you seem fine on the outside
but i just want a confirmation, to know you're alright.
i worry about her - cuz' i want her to know people care,
and i was just wondering, if i really haven't been there?
Damn, I almost forgot how emotionally expressive poems could be. Yeah, four different women - all important in my life, my feelings about all four of them have merged and the product of the summation of my feelings is a poem??
*insert cheesy comment here*
I like to come here for the more private things I don't say much anymore. It's not like I'm repressing my emotions, it's more like I've come to a better understanding of my own self, and more definite on what I'd like in a relationship.
It's as if the emotional roller coaster ride I've been on the past two years have evened out, and things don't really get to me as much as they used to. (On the other hand, it takes two to tango, so not having an agitator of emotions, continuously wanting to "talk it out" - meaning keeping me up until 4 am in the morning, although I had to work at 6:30 am - is really helping me out MUCH more!)
Right, I confess. Negative feelings towards my ex still resurface now and then, but you know - ce'st la vie.
So. . . . . now? Now . . . i've publicly admitted that I'm seeing a guy. . . . I met . . . . online . . . . . *cringe*
Only difference is, he's not a "friend of a friend" like last time . . . . and I have to honestly say that I'm NOT "head-over-heels-crazy okay-i'll-pack-up-my-life-and-move-for-you in love" with the guy (as of today) . . . .
and I'm sure he's probably glad that I'm not feeling that way either. (well I'm also glad I'm not either -not yet anyway!)
It's good, he has his space, and I have mine. . . and we talk and share, but we have our own lives.
Which makes him so much more interesting than any guy who's ever devoted all of his attention onto me.
Ironic isn't it? Everything I used to want a guy to do - turns out wasn't the best thing for me at all.
What was that saying? "You'll end up with somebody that you used to hate with a passion!"
- I think that's what my mother used to say. . . . so I was extra cautious not to "hate" any type of guy in particular, for fear of ending up with that "type" of guy.
I still don't know who I'll end up with, or if I'll end up "with" at all!! . . . I'm only 22 you know? I've still got a long way to go! But I'm just not counting this time around. . . not planning, not expecting, not self-prophecizing either.
Only thing is, I made a promise that I intend to keep. And somehow, that's worked out the best so far.
and after all this time - I still like him. I still like him lots.