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regurgitation . . .
...written on 2003-08-06, @ 5:19 a.m.
Its times like these - when I want to close the door, and wish that it had rubber bands for hinges - and it snaps shut.
Its times like these, when I just want to run away and not look back. . . .
*note to CB - run!! Save yourself!! Run while you still can!!*
Okay, I'll confess, I think I've been calling more lately cuz' its easier to "pretend to be happy" whilst chatting away. Ordinarily, I'd call up the girlfriends and whine and gripe, but the girlfriends are away, and having a good time. I don't really like to burden other people with my troubles if necessary.
But . . . at the end of the day . . . the thoughts still linger, and the clickety-clack of the pristine white keys are somewhat soothing. So I guess, I end up baring it all here anyway. . .
Sometimes, at times like these - I wonder if I'm really genetically pre-dispositioned to fail at relationships, given the horrible "discoveries" I've made along the way.
And I don't want to lapse back to being the sad/angry/scared/confused teenager that I used to be, cutting and drinking and drugging myself.
I don't lie very well, and I feel like I've been lying to myself these past few days. There's a lump in my throat and it won't go away. I know, I've got two choices - either spit it out, or swallow it down.
This is my version of spitting it out.
I think it was Anais Nin, that wrote - we judge ourselves more harshly than our peers would . . . something along those lines?
And I kept searching for answers, but when it came to me, I realized that I really do have a conscience, and wouldn't wish death upon anyone.
Only problem is, I keep thinking back - and telling myself that I never knew my father's mother - because he inadvertently killed her. She found out that he was cheating on her, and she went into shock, and passed away.
But I keep telling myself, my grandfather isn't a bad man.
Sometimes I wonder, how my mother does it? I think I overheard one of my aunts say to her, "I wish I could only fathom your reckless behavior, and persistance to keep loving a man - even when he's betrayed you."
These thoughts have been jumbled up inside my head . . . but even now when I see them in black and white, I'm not sure if I'm making any sense.
But at least I got them out.