you & me

is she really a "sassy" girl??
...written on 2004-11-12, @ 2:08 p.m.

Confession: The first time I watched “My Sassy Girl” – I cried. A LOT.

I was actually in Bangkok visiting that summer it came out in the theaters, but I didn’t watch it, cuz’ I was just too busy – too busy with the (ex) boyfriend, too busy with catching up, too busy with the relatives and all that stuff.

My mother saw it a few months later – or something along those lines, and told me that the girl reminded her of me.

I first watched it over at Hung Dinh’s house – when I was trying to play matchmaker with him and my baby Suzy.

So yeah – I was sprawled out in front of them while they sat behind me – and well, when I watch movies, I get really into them (blame it on the initial decision to become a theater major?) . . .

So when I started crying, I think I startled both of them.

Maybe some piece inside of me understood. That sometimes you don’t have to try to be so tough on the outside so that you don’t seem vulnerable to “feelings” and whatnot.

And another piece of me secretly had hope. Hope that maybe I’d find a boy one day that would be willing to go through all of that for me? Maybe.

But when I looked back at my track record of boys that I dated, I felt extremely lucky – because no matter how obsessive it might have seemed at that time – I can honestly say that I was loved. Unconditionally at times, and because I knew that – I would push them to their limits.

I’d put them through all sorts of strange tests and bets and punishments. For what? Amusement, entertainment, cruelty – whatever the reason was – I wasn’t addressing the real issue that deep down, I actually felt that I wasn’t worthy of them.

Can you say – low self – esteem complex?

Maybe it was that, or maybe I just have ugly-duckling syndrome. (Don’t know what that is? Watch “Shallow Hal.”)

Repression is always hard to deal with – so I guess all of that – the scene where she’s on top of the mountain you know? Yeah, that’s what started the tears . . .

And when the guy is at the café telling her “potential” about everything she likes, dislikes, what she does and what she expects. . . that just opened up the flood gates.

But you know- that’s just a Korean love story/movie. And I’m only 23 – what would I know?

I think although it’s unfair for people to compare, and I know that it sounds so cliché, but when I say I’ve never felt this way before to each separate person, I actually mean it.

Timing really IS everything.

Today – he said to me, “It’s like its so good that you only want to share it with a select few – because it’s that good.” That was in regards to a particular artist’s sophomore CD release – but I think, that’s kind of how I’m starting to feel about him.

I don’t want to share anymore.
Like, each moment is special in its own way – because it was shared only between the two of us – I’d like to keep it special that way.

When you asked me today – I was almost going to say :

“The more I get to know you, the more afraid I become, why? I’m just getting a little bit more scared of falling. I thought I was going to with the last one, but he was the complete opposite of you.

I think it’s because initial perceptions of people. I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you. As opposed to being afraid of him going to hurt me. Do you see how the roles are reversed now?

I’ve been in this position before – I won’t like to you, but I like how we’re doing this very slowly. It’s nicer this way.”

Yeah.

What brought about this purge?

We’re supposed to have a social event and the movie that was picked – yep! You guessed it! “My Sassy Girl!” I think I’ll bring along an entire box of Kleenexes just in case.

I wasn’t sure if taking your hand into mine was a good idea at first, but you know – I’m sometimes a little bit more bold and forward that way. So I guess now all that’s left is for me to give you a kiss on the cheek?

I think, after “talking” – I started having those feelings inside my stomach. You know? The kind of feelings that get your tummy into knots and your heart feels like a thousand million butterfly wings?

Yeah, that feeling.

I came home and played the “My Sassy Girl” theme, and thought about you. How initially I didn’t have these feelings, but I guess – it’s more natural when they just develop along the way.

It’s just nicer this way.

just you & me