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Miss Mistress?
...written on 2005-08-01, @ 5:17 p.m.
Something's happened,
something's changed -
I can't quite put my finger on it, but
I've been rearranged.
Sometimes calmer,
more secure - knowing what I feel,
being more sure.
Wednesday night, my friend JP asked me about my relationship with my father, and she said to me, Well you know, people make mistakes - forgiving him would just be better for your sake.
And you know what?
I took it to heart. *Funny how my horror-scope said that I should be more introspective this week.*
I forgive.
Because it's the sane thing to do, because I'm not going to go around harboring malevolent feelings for something that hasn't affected me for years.
And because if I did, I would be a hypocrite. The tattoo on my back says it all. Faith. Its because I still have faith, that I don't categorize all men to be in the same gene pool as my father - and even if they were - we ARE all human afterall.
I wonder, if my mother can be so forgiving of me, can tolerate my completely selfish actions, can still be so confident in me - why can't I?
So, I've decided. I'm 24. It's long overdue - and yes, I forgive.
I forgive my father finally for all the fucked up things he's done, for breaking my mother's heart and giving me a terrible disposition on men.
And it's only now that I can move on, only now that I can be completely deserving of myself and somebody whom I might possibly meet one day - to be completely deserving of somebody else other than my mother who will love me unconditionally.
Actually -there's a little bit more . . .
Saturday night - I met up with CS and our married friend, I'll just call him Boss for the sake of easy comprehension.
About a year ago, I was working at this Japanese restaurant - and Boss called me on it, asked me if I worked there still.
Apparently he said to me he remembered me because I "had a body."
Uhm, dude - you're married. That and he got a little touchy feely where in my mind I was still thinking he was innocently being Hawaiian and genuinely friendly.
I felt uncomfortable by this, so I decided to confront it on the ride back to my house.
Same old lines, different guys. . .
I don't always give the benefit of the doubt when I hear guys tell me things - I know it's harsh and I know it's judgemental and stereotyping - but I just don't.
"I'm having some problems in my marriage . . . "
Oh, that line. I think my father used it before . . .
And the thing that bothered me most was the fact that I was so hurt by my father's infidelity - I swore to myself that I would never be tied down to a man as his first and only wife.
I always had the aspiration of being a mistress or a second wife.
Until Saturday night . . .
It bothered me to the core. I was given the opportunity, and yet - deep down, I could feel the consequences already before any of this had even gotten out in the open.
So . . . I suppose this means, I'm actually growing. Not only emotionally but mentally as well.
It's about damn fucking time!!!