you & me

i'll follow you into the dark...
...written on 2006-03-11, @ 1:25 p.m.

You and me have seen/ everything to see / From Bangkok to Calgary / And the soles of your shoes are all worn down / The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about / Cause we'll hold each other soon /The blackest of rooms . . .
If heaven and hell decide / That they both are satisfied /Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you / When your soul embarks /Then I'll follow you into the dark . . .

- Death Cab for Cutie's "I'll Follow You Into the Dark"

I sometimes worry that my past will come crashing down upon me and that m.c. will think I'm an absolutely horrible person.

I've been nothing but honest in the *dare I say it?* - relay-shun-chip... but there ARE things a girl will never reveal to anybody else except her conscience.

I'm not saying I have a lot of things to hide, but I've done a lot of bad things in my life.

The only problem is, it's all anecdotal. When I get tired of something or another, I decide to do something stupidly insane and outrageous so that I break out of my mundane rut.

*IE - this past summer*

Like WHOA.

Not necessarily out of character for me, but I think the single streak just caved in and I just you know ... had to get it out of my system.

*Actually it's kind of how I re-met m.c. *

I had met him several times throughout the course of the two years that I had been here in Tucson, but we never actually exchanged words with one another - other than "hi" "hello" "my name's so and so..."

sure I had always thought he was kinda cute with his glasses and all... (I also thought he was Arabic or something too - but THEN I found out he's actually Mexican *tee hee) - not that it mattered, I've never been discriminating against whom I date anyway.

But yeah - there are times like these, I guess you could say when the mind wanders, and YOU begin to wonder .... what if all of these boys (and girls) actually knew of my horrible evil terrible deeds?

Would they still look at me the same way?

I don't know.

On the other hand, a *handfull* of my friends who know me inside and out keep telling me - that it's my own conception that I portray myself as *spawn of satan* and that I'm not really a horrible, evil, unattached uncaring girl.

(to which I say that's total bullshit - but what does it matter - they have their opinions don't they!?)

It's not that I thought it would matter before .... but with this one... i'm a little worried.

That's the time I want to run away and say FUCKITALLTOHELL and just chuck the entire length of time I've been with him...

but I stay.

And I haven't strayed...

*maybe all i really needed was a shorter leash?*

Ehh, or I could buy into that whole - "I didn't say I didn't want a boyfriend - it just wasn't YOU that I wanted as a boyfriend."

Or ... "It's not that I didn't want to get married, it's just I didn't want to get married to YOU."

Whoops.

Or my all time favorite, "I never actually cheated on you because I never actually had feelings for you in the first place."

Ehhh, what can I say? I just don't like to compromise you know. All or nothing I say!

I guess, the old adage that goes - spare time leaves the mind to wander...

It's Spring Break this week...I've decided to take a few days off just to do the things in town I haven't had time to do before...

Go to Sabino Canyon, up to Mount Lemmon (I think it snowed there!), to the zoo, to the Museum of Contemporary Art etc...you know... the usual?

So yeah... I really like it here...As far as me wondering about all that other stuff...m.c.'s assured me enough that I have nothing to worry about.

It's just different when he's physically there and I'm able to see him in 10 minutes if I'd like. I guess that's what's different about this one.

just you & me