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My diary, my space, my rights. Don't like what you see? Feel free to hit that little X up there. Thanks.
so about that time...
...written on 2007-04-06, @ 12:51 a.m.
I'm not sure if this is how I want my life to be...
I don't remember signing up for this part. The mundane repetititveness of the "free times" ...
I'm not even sure its that.
I was driving past Time Market, and Congress and all of these other places I used to go...
of course I was single then, and I had plenty of people to go to plenty of places with...
but ... but ... but ...
but really now!?!?
Sure I was always broke, but I got damn good grades and ... and I was skinny!??
Now I've never been a huge fan or supporter of supplements... but lately...
I just feel like I need a little bit of help... the little blue pills or the little pouches of prepared clear, white and wheat ones?
Who knows...
Either way...
This is not how I'd like my life to be ...
It's the same bars, the same sushi, the same people, and the same monotony.
(I said monotony... not monogamy...)
I've actually come to realize how good I really am in good relationships...
I have my shit together, and I'm shamed into action...
Sometimes I have this tendency to have that "deer caught in headlights" reaction... I just sit there and don't do anything because I just don't know what to do...
And I just wait for whatever catastrophe to crash in on me...
Recently though... I've been okay about conflict... not just in my personal life, but at work as well...
and its nice ... because ... seriously... I just can't handle being nice all the time anymore...
Hello I have doormat syndrome
No more! This may just be the humble beginnings of a future bitchy lawyer...
Either way... I don't like what my life has become.
I used to ...
I used to go so many places, and see so many people ... and do so many things ...
I'm just so tired now.
And I've just never ever really aspired ...
to be mother,
a lover
a wife...
I don't think I have one decent motherly bone in my body.
And somehow, M.C. has come to live with that... accepting me for that...
(and when he did I immediately wanted to have 4!?!? FOUR!)
Yeah I don't know about that ...
the last time ...
the last time I was here, I thought it was the beginning to the end ...
but it wasn't ... and ... it was just the same thing that the ex and his mother had done...
I can see why my ex husband was crazy... just look at his mom! I mean... if she was nutso... and she took me and shook me ... I can see why he would do the same to me ...
So who's crazy now huh?
I'm not the one on medication and going to the doctors for shock therapy...
I'm the one with the degree, and I'm the one...I'm going to make it.
I know it.
I know it.
I'll eventually come to believe it ... kind of like how I've come to believe in M.C.
I'm glad we both cried.